My Simple Plan to move any girls looks up 2 notches on a 1-10 scale.

I developed this over the week at work while I was bored and was having a conversation with a female co-worker about a friend of hers who didn't think she was pretty enough to find a good boyfriend. I work shopped it to some co-workers with varying levels of feedback. First, before I tell how let me state that it would only require about 2-3 weeks tops to do providing the girl was not overweight. Anyone overweight would take about 6 months to a year and they would have to hire me as a personal trainer for that entire time period and do exactly what I say. Lets begin:

Step 1: Girls can wear make up
- This is a huge advantage over any guy as we are stuck with whatever kind of imperfections God blessed us with.

Step 2) Get Tan.
- Now I know tanning is bad for you and can cause life threatening melanoma which is an obvious concern. However, if you have been to a tanning salon in the last few years they have made tremendous steps in spray on tans that look 100% real. No store bought tanners though. They always come out orange.

Step 3) Wear sexy boots.
- As long as your not on a beach or something where you would look stupid. Every day I head to work and see girls in skirt suits wearing the sexiest boots ever and it's a huge turn on.

Step 4) Wear those big sunglasses that all the stars wear the cover half of your face.

- I cannot stress this one enough. I see a lot of girls wearing these all the time and I have no idea what they look like. However, if they follow the steps above it doesn't matter because they look unbelievable especially when approaching on the beach.

Step 5) Push Up Bra (Or whatever new bra technology they have out there now)
- I know they're doing some amazing things. I see the Victoria Secret commercials.

Step 6) Get an expensive haircut, and DO NOT cut it real short.
- The old cliche of you pay for what you get is much more important for girls than guys when it comes to haircuts I believe. With that being said it doesn't matter how much the cut cost if it's to short. This could negate the whole process.


Ok so you're looking smoking hot. You have a perfect amount of make-up on, your body looks as if it has been kissed by the sun, half of your face is covered by your new shades so not only do you look hot but fashionable as well, your boots say I like to party but I'm still a classy girl and you just got your hair did. At this point my co-workers told me OK sure were looking pretty hot but eventually were going to have to change up our appearance/ no sunglasses or boots, hair grows out etc. Then what?

My suggestion to that is to do your best to maintain your new look but also enjoy the confidence and self-esteem boost that comes with thinking you look hot. I think a girl believing she is super hot is just as important as it is for a guy to be confident when approaching ladies at a bar, on the beach, Auntie Anne's pretzels, or wherever you may be. And from this lifted self-esteem boost will come more boys approaching you and asking for your phone number, which will allow you to weed out more losers and take the good boyfriends you deserve rather than simply settling.

Alright the scale works like this if you follow these steps. On a scale of 1-10.

(1-2)- A girl will improve by 3 points
(3) - A girl will improve by 2.5
(4-6) - A girl will improve by 2
(7-8) - A girl will improve by 1
(9+) - This scale doesn't matter. You're already super hot but I'm sure you have some other fatal personality flaw/craziness that makes guys not want to date because if you are this hot and a nice person getting a boyfriend should be like taking candy from a baby.

- TJ Midwest


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TJ Midwest's 1st Ever Ski Trip to the Rocky Mountains.

Recently I was invited to a ski trip in Colorado for a long weekend with 6 of my good college buddies. Being from Ohio I have never been on a slope or even a decline of any kind in my whole life... hilarity ensued.


Day 1:

As I get into the weekend I should remind everyone that I was drinking for most of the time we were out here and my memory was at times a bit hazy. The only flight me and Fish could get for the trip was at 5:30am on thursday morning so we made the very frat decision of staying up all Wednesday night drinking and playing video games rather than try and get some sleep. Having road tripped to Montreal, Ohio, Panama City and California together we consider ourselves professionals at the art of sleep deprived travel. We grabbed some Guinness at our layover in Philly and then I had to sit next to a smelly girl the entire 4 hours to Denver. Thankfully, I had just downloaded the 1st season of The Wire on my Iphone and got lost in its great storyline rather quickly. For those of you who haven't seen the show you should get it on itunes it's only 23.99 a season. We arrived at the airport and were immediately greeted by our hot Australian hostess Dev and quickly made our way to yet another airport bar to wait on the arrivals of Rory Wrangler, Blaze, and Cum-B, who will for the rest of this post be referred to as the letter "C" followed my some kind of receptacle such as C-Dumpster, C-Pool, or C-Tupperware. When we finally arrive at Dev's place about an hour away in Boulder we are greeted by her 73 year old godfather who will be referred to strictly as The Godfather for the rest of this post because he was the man. Not only was he ok with 7 incredibly rowdy drunk kids staying in his house but we could bring back anyone we wanted as well (and trust me C-Bucket brought some back). He's also a crazy health nut with every kind of pill and herbal medicine u could ever imagine. Oh also he supplied us with a keg our first night there naively stating that, "he was happy because there would be some leftover for him after we left". The keg was kicked before lunch our 2nd day there. He also agreed to play squareruit with us. Now for those of you who don't know squareruit is a battle of drinking capacity in which beirut/ beer pong is played by 8 individuals, with 244 cups and 45-50 beers on each side when using a keg. The Godfather drank w/ C-Bowl for the entire game and still wanted more booze, i was amazed. Before I met this man I hoped I would die before I saw 70 but he changed my whole perspective on that. This first night was relatively slow as we were all pretty exhausted and were ready to get things going for Friday-Sunday. I'll continue with those days during Part 2 of TJ Midwest's 1st Ever Ski Trip to the Rocky Mountains. I leave for NYC tomorrow morning to party my balls off but I'll finish when I return, and post about this weekend as well. Later Y'all.


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A great article on why being from the great state of Ohio is the best. And if that female president would have let 30,000 of them die on 24 last week I would have been super pissed.

Most of you know I was born and raised in Ohio. I had no choice in the matter. And honestly, I wouldn't change that if I could. Though it would be so sweet to say, "I was born in Nepal," or some other mysterious place. Maybe Kyrgyzstan. Or Buffalo.

Nope. I got Ohio. Round on the ends, high in the middle.

I went back for Christmas. Had to. Every once in a while I get to missing the potholes, grey sky, government corruption, rotary dial phones, and rabbit ear TV antennas. Sweet Ohio, home of my youth.

The mere mention of my home state draws immediate reactions from Carolinians, like, "How many more of these people are going to move here?" or "Sorry, Buckeyes just can't compete with the speedy SEC."

It's true. Most of Ohio has moved to the Carolinas. This is how it happened: On spring break we hopped on I-77 heading south, stopped for gas in Charlotte and had a revelation, "Becky, is that the sun? How can it be? It's January for Tressel's sake!" So we drive back to Ohio, pack our belongings into U-hauls (Ohioans don't pay other people to move their stuff) and relocate here.

Once here, we promptly hang Ohio State Buckeyes banners in front of our apartments, condos and houses and then order Satellite TV so we don't miss the big slow Big Ten, which has 11 teams. (Ohioans are not great with numbers. Can't do math if our lives depended on it.) But boy howdy are we overachievers! Eight American presidents were from Ohio.

You know, I have now lived in the Carolinas for 11 years now. A few more and I'll have lived here longer than I lived in Ohio! And I've seen as much of the Carolinas as anyone, save for maybe Rudy Manke.

This journal is my argument for why locals should try their best to love us. Allow me to explain me people with this top 10 list:

1. We're not from Michigan! You wouldn't want that. You think we're slow? Wait 'til you see the pasty white people from Michigan all bundled up in their quilted, head-to-toe, insulated snowsuits. Sheesh!

2. We're not Yankees, we're Midwesterners. Which means we don't stupidly think Southerners are slow and talk funny. We like you. We really, really like you. Ohioans like just about everyone. It's a default mechanism we can't alter. We're like Canadians in that sense. Ohio is the Canada of the United States! Look around the freeway in June, what do you see? Every car packed to the roof with suitcases and five bicycles hanging off the back is either from Ohio or Canada.

3. Ohioans are optimistic beyond reasonable explanation. Two words: Cleveland Browns. Sold out stadium every game, every year even though we stink -- every game, every year. We'll get 'em next time! Go Brownies!

4. Ohioans are loyal beyond legal limitations. One of our congressmen was convicted of a number of corruption crimes and sent to federal prison for a long time. In the next election he ran for Congress from prison. I'm not making this up. 27,487 people cast their ballots for a prisoner. In Ohio if we say we got your back, we got your back. There's no better friend or neighbor than someone from Ohio. We probably drink too much, but the combination of losing important football games, dreadful unemployment and corrupt political figures can be tough on a dude. Got beer?

5. Ohioans are terribly polite. True story -- recently an Ohio man, down on his luck, recently lost his job, was running out of options to feed his family. So he decided to rob a bank. Perhaps he figured it was only fair since the banks just bent us over for a trillion dollars. Anyway he wrote out his "THIS IS A STICK UP! GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY!" note, dressed in black, ski mask to toe, and walked into his local bank. Here's the Ohio part... he promptly stood at the end of the long line to wait for the teller. Yep. He didn't cut to the front of the line. He politely waited his turn and then was arrested by police who were alerted the second Mr. Manners got in line wearing a ski mask.

6. Ohioans are do-it-yourselfers. If you have a problem at your house, walk down the street and stop at the house with the Ohio State banner out front. We have every tool you need and have probably fixed whatever it is you're working on. Plumbing, electrical, mechanical, drywall, painting, landscaping, we do it all. Ohioans don't pay other people to work on their homes.

7. We root against you when we play you and cheer for you when you play someone else. It's true. We don't actually hate the Michigan Wolverines or the Penn State Nittany Lions. We love beating them, but we respect their long and historic programs. They are great schools. Like every state we have produced our share of idiots. Ignore the five Ohio State "fans" who call the local radio sports shows and talk trash. Real Ohioans can't stand these morons either. Real Buckeye fans cheer for Michigan and Penn State in their bowl games. We also have a great deal of respect for the SEC. Ohioans admire quality. Besides, Ohio boys are coaching your two best football teams.

8. We're just like you. We're hardworking, fair-minded honest folk from mill towns that have been slowly collapsing since the end of WW2. Sound familiar? The town I come from has lost 45 percent of its population since the 1960s.

9. We gave you all of these gifts: Clark Gable and Paul Newman. Neil Armstrong and John Glenn. Eddie Rickenbacker and the Wright brothers. Erma Bombeck and Maya Lin. Annie Oakley and General Custer. William Procter and James Gamble. Cy Young and Jack Nicklaus. Urban Meyer and Les Miles. Johnny Appleseed and Ted Turner. Steven Spielberg and Doris Day. Thomas Edison and Bob Hope. LeBron James and The National Football League.

10. One more: Carmen Elektra. Enough said.

11. (All of our tens are really elevens.) We chose to live here. You just got lucky.

If you like you can blame the Federal-Aid Highway Act of 1956 for your new Ohio neighbors. It's not our fault Interstate 77 starts in Cleveland and ends in the Carolinas. If they kept going with it we might have moved further south.

So give us a chance. We mean well. Just keep feeding us BBQ and educating us on ACC basketball. We're slow but we learn.

OK, I'm off to meet a guy with 200 cash registers in his house. (And you think Ohioans are odd.) I love this place! I fit right in.

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TJ Midwest's Top 20 Country Songs of 2009 (so far).

Well the New Year is finally here and I've been getting a lot of requests for some of country's best. That kind of rhymed didn't it? Anyway as I found sending e-mails and facebook wall posts to be tiresome I have decided to put my current Top 20 Country Hits on this blog so that all my friends can come here to see what is hot right now coming out of Nashville. I'll be sure to do this post once a month but keep in mind not all of these songs are on the radio right now, I do a lot of research so don't just think these are the Top 20 from 99.5 in Cleveland or Cat Country in Providence. Also, how awesome is that picture of the living legend George Strait? My friend Bizzle and I have this running joke at work where we e-mail each other the most ridiculous cowboy George Strait pictures we can find. This one is my favorite because I like to think George just sits at the bar every night hitting on ladies and drinking Jack Daniels, not unlike myself and my friends. So without further adieu...

20) Kellie Pickler- Best Days of Your Life
- The best girl country songs tend to be ones about boys who cheated on them. Girls like it because pretty much every girl has been cheated on in her life and she likes knowing that there are other out there dealing with this plight. Guys like them because like myself they think "Christ, I would never cheat on Kellie, Taylor, Carrie, insert beautiful blonde with great voice here, etc." So they think they may have a shot with them.

19) Montgomery Gentry- Roll with Me
- I'm not sure if there is a more bad ass duo in country music. It definitely isn't Brooks & Dunn even though they win the most awards. Anyway, this is just a great, real, gritty, country song.

18) Tim McGraw- Let it go
- Now I will be the first to say that Tim's stuff has been pretty lame recently filled with nothing but shitty duets with his smoking hot wife but I actually enjoy this song a lot.

17) Trent Willmon - Beer Man
- I have actually known about this song for quite some time but for those of you who don't you need to take a listen. I know more than a few people who are strictly "Beer Men". For instance without mentioning any names the pussy shot taker B.V. You know who you are.

16, 15) Darius Rucker - It won't be like this for long & Alright
- 2 seperate songs. One makes me think about what it would be like to have a girl for my first born and the other makes me think that I'd be happy living in the country coaching football. Songs about real life, that's why I love country.

14) Whiskey Falls - Let the Whiskey Fall
- A nice little bar/drinking tune that I discovered using my Genius application on itunes. Listen to this before u go out and get annihilated especially on a weekday night.

13) Toby Keith - Hit it
Toby at his absolute best, classic Oklahoman rock. Mentions Jack Daniels, hot chicks, shooting pool, the usual.

12) Trent Tomlinson- Country is my Rock
A lot like "Hit it" this is just a bad ass uptempo song. Favorite quote, "For me there ain't no substitute, for 3 simple chords and the Gods honest truth"

11) Taylor Swift- Fearless & White Horse
- 2 opposite ends of the spectrum with these 2. All Taylor sings about is either great relationships or awful relationships. EVERY girl likes Taylow Swift I swear to God. She is officially being added to TJ Midwest's list of things that everybody likes (Post coming soon). My only beef with her is all of her songs about boys she likes who don't like her back. I mean really? You're a smoking hot multi-millionaire 18 year old and you can't land Drew or whatever his name is on Teardrops from my guitar? I'm not buying it.

10) The Lost Trailers- Country Folks (Livin' Loud)
- Just a very catchy tune.

9) Luke Bryan - All of his stuff
- He has officially become my new favorite artist but I like to many of his songs to put them all down for a number so here they are: Baby's on the way, Pray About Everything, We Rode in Trucks, You Make Me Want To, I'll Stay Me, Chevrolet, Ya'll Can Have This Town, Country Man.

8) George Strait - Troubadour
The guy just keeps re-inventing himself. I am absolutely amazed.

7) Trent Willmon- Good One Comin' On
- One of the first songs I now put on at the start of every weekend, because just like Trent, I fell a good one comin' on.

6) Lady Antebellum- Lookin' For A Good Time
- God I wish picking up girls at bars was this easy. Unfortunately it usually ends up more like a song coming up in the list. I mean seriously though how pumped would you be if a hot girl said this to you when you bought her a drink at the bar. "Keep on talkin to me baby I'm hangin on your every word... keep those drinks a comin baby, we'll both get what we deserve". Unbelievable, I need to get down South.
Also, I want to throw Country Friend by the Zac Brown Band in here but I think everyone already knows it so I'm not gonna give it a spot but it's phenomenal.

5) Chris Cagle- My Life's Been A Country Song
The first time I heard this song I listened to it about 20 times straight. I had it memorized within 2 days. It's a great song explaining why people love country music and what it stands for.

4) Eric Church - Pledge Allegiance to the Hag
- Reminds me of just being drunk at a hole in the wall shotgunning PBR tall boys.

3) Jason Aldean- She's Country
An unbelievable description of what girls must be like down at colleges such as South Carolina, Alabama, LSU,Kansas, etc. I'm moving down South within a year or two mark my words.

2) Jason Aldean- I break everything I Touch
- Just a bad ass song warning women that you'll go home with them but they probably shouldn't expect anything more.

1) Kenny Chesney- 10 with a 2 and Dierks Bentley - Can't Live it Down.
Classic Kenny. By far the best song I've heard recently. Hilarious and truthful at the same time. Any guy who says he hasn't been in this situation before either doesn't party nearly enough or is lying. That's it. As for Dierks this song makes me want to quit my job right now and just road trip across America.

A few extras I like: Jack Ingram - That's A Man, Toby Keith- God Love Her, Jason Aldean - Even if I wanted to, Chris Cagle - Hey Ya'll, Kenny Chesney- Down the Road, Jay Teter - Football, Beer, and You, Brooks & Dunn - Cowgirls Don't Cry

Finally I would just like to say that I will be traveling to Boulder, CO for a little snowboarding get-away this Thursday even though I am from Ohio and have never been on a slope or any kind of decline for that matter in my whole life not to mention the Rockies on a board. Should be fun, I plan to post an awesome blog about the weekend when I get back. Keep on Keepin On.

- TJ Midwest


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I TOLD YOU TO COVER THE KIDS' EYES

I'd say this is the closest we'll get to fulfillment of the Austin Carr Telestrated Penis Prophecy (ACTPP), but it happened only hours after the Prophecy was made so I guess anything is possible.


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"Throw the Hammer Down!": A Drinking Game

Not that you need another reason to watch the Cavs, but with Austin Carr behind the mic, broadcasts are too damn funny NOT to have a drinking game. In case you can't participate because you are taking care of children, be sure to cover the kids' eyes when AC accidentally draws a penis with the telestrator. It's only a matter of time, folks. Rules after the jump.

Rules:
Take a drink when Carr or McLeod utter any of these phrases, or their variations -
"L-Train!"
"Get that WEAK STUFF OUTTA HERE!"
"in the Q"
"Throw the Hammer Down!".

Take two drinks if they utter "Got 'em a BIRRRRD!". And if someone gets 'em a bird, you can be damn sure Carr and McLeod will say it because they love that phrase. Those count separately, cheater.

Here's the kicker: if any of these phrases are used in combination, there's a multiplier. Drink double for two phrases, triple for three phrases, etc. Don't be too liberal with the ruling on combinations. If you let a live play into double replay count as a combo, you could be in for a world of hurt. We're talking a Scorpion from Mortal Kombat harpoon toss/uppercut/harpoon toss/uppercut kind of scenario. Now for a wet run (it's wet cause you have to drink, get it?):



At the end of that clip, AC used "L-Train" and "Throw the Hammer Down" in the same sentence. Drink four. Right now.

Last rule: if the crowd gets Chalupas, you get the rest of your drink. Feel free to practice more with the opening video. Enjoy!

Get that weak stuff outta here! ...in the Q.

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TJ Midwest's 5 Step-Plan for a perfect New Year's Eve

TJ Midwest's Fool Proof 5-Step plan to having a good (not great) New Year's Eve no matter who you are or how you look as long as you are single, between the ages of 15 and 26 and not afraid of alcohol poisoning.

Since 2001 I have never been anywhere near sober on a New Year's Eve. Considering I'm only 22 I'm pretty happy with that and in that span I have seen and done some things. I've thrown up before 10:00pm, I have stayed up past sunrise, thrown up in my sleep, had sex from 11:00pm- 1:00am straight because I was too drunk to nut, jumped in a pool, been walked in on by a cop, torn my pants jumping a fence from the cops (same night), cleaned up a girlfriend's puke, pissed a bed, been pissed on in bed, poured sugar on 2 girls making out, drank countless bottles of andre champagne, ruined numerous nice shirts and on more than one occasion promised people that next year was gonna be different. It wasn't. And through it all the only reason I can remember any of this is because of disposable cameras and word of mouth. With that being said I give you my 5-Step plan passed down from generation to generation in my family.

1) Never, EVER, get too hyped or excited about how New Year's Eve is gonna be the best party/night ever.

- I cannot stress this first rule enough. Every year young men and women around the country get excited about planning the perfect magical New Years and it never works out that way. At its core NYE is simply just another Friday/Saturday night out except you spend a lot more money. If you go out treating it just like another normal night out drinking with your friends you can't be disappointed.

2) Figure out the group your spending the night with and where you're going and stay there.

- Another very important step to having a good (remember not always great) NYE. More than once I have gone out with a group of friends who all wanted to go to different places and see different potential hookups and acquaintances. The inevitable end of this is ending up somewhere where the girl you thought you could get with is puking or flirting with someone already at the party and your stuck hanging out with 1 close buddy and a bunch of strangers as Dick Clark counts down the New Year in his Depends. If you stay in one place, with one group, at a big party or bar you are much better off.

3) Get very, very, very drunk.

- The reason for this step is pretty obvious, being drunk is much more fun than being sober. And if being a little drunk is a little better than being sober shouldn't being VERY drunk be a whole hell of a lot better than being sober? That's just simple math people and I'm not genius (although Ivy League educated). And my favorite reason for getting this hammered is a little something called plausible deniability. Being lit up like a christmas tree allows you to do a number of things that would in any other circumstance get you in a lot of trouble and at the very least a slap across the face. So go ahead, kill that bottle of Jaegar, grab that boob, piss in that plant, and don't regret any of it. Tomorrow morning when everyone is yelling and demanding you clean up politely decline and head to Taco Bell.

4) Don't swing for the fences.

- We've all been there. Super hot blue-eyed blonde walks in wearing a short black dress carrying a bottle of wine or if your at a bar a clutch purse and every guys mind immediately goes to "I wonder what kind of panties she's wearing" Frank the Tank mode. Now let me stop you right there. Unless you're Ashton Kutcher or country music superstar George Strait your chances of taking that girl home to smash are minimal at best. Plus, do you really think a girl that hot doesn't have a boyfriend closely following her? I have my share of friends with hot girlfriends and trust me they don't let them out of their site. My suggestion? Find the 7 with a group of her friends down at the end of the bar clapping her hands above her head as Beyonce yells "All the singles ladies!" and consistently reiterating "Oh, this is my song!" This is the perfect target, single, obviously self-conscious, and if you're very lucky recently coming off a rough break up. Trust me one this, I know a thing or two about sleeping with 7's (see above URL). Order a few drinks and in no time Miss slightly crooked nose and her eyes are bit too far apart but her body is banging will be in your bed as you promise 2009 will be a great year together for you two. And even if you don't go home with her at the very least you'll have someone to make out with as the ball drops at midnight.

5) Dress nice

- This one is simple. Although I have stressed not to take NYE too seriously you don't want to rock a cut-off or popped pink collar. Even though you shouldn't put NYE up on a pedestal some people will and you don't want any douchebags stealing your good time.

Now I know NYE is over and all but keep this in mind for your next New Years and the many that will follow. Happy 2009 everybody I hope you have the complexion and libido of an 18 year old Ohio boy for years to come.

- Midwest.

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Agressive Sunday, C-Nor Style, Pt. 2: "Code of Silence"

Told you we'd be back! Knockdown NJ and I are DRUNK. Took a break to grab Wendy's and some more beer. So much for NJ's plan to exercise and study and be sober today. Read on to hear about Code of Silence.

Code of Silence was no Lone Wolf McQuade, let me tell you. But let's be honest, what is? We were still thoroughly entertained. C-Nor really stepped outside his comfort zone by playing a loner cop set out to take out the world while pissing off his supervisors along the way. Guess what? HE HAD ANOTHER NARBASS PARTNER.

Highlights:

- Things started well enough, with narbass Nick Kopelas, a young cop, pacing in a cemetary. His partner, played by a guy that looks like Creed from The Office, sucks back on some of Grandpa's Cough Medicine and offers Narbass some. Young cop Nick needs to pee, so Creed suggest that he pees in the graveyard, saying, "Who cares? If someone was smart, they'd rip out all these graves and plant tomatoes. These people are no good. They're dead!"

- Creed then plants a gun on some minority that he shot. What's that, you say? A great opportunity for the movie to take a stand against racial profiling? Agreed. Except HE NEVER GETS IN TROUBLE FOR IT.

- Is Chuck Norris a lover or a fighter, a father or a lover? Fuck if I know. The love plotline is, once again, murkily clear at best.

- C-Nor dove into a river from the top of a moving train. There's a joke to be had here, but I can't find it.

- C-Nor: "I hate to put you on the spot." C-Nor's old retired cop buddy: "I've spent 30 years on the spot."

- We legitimately liked a scene. I thought about leaving it at that, but I'll elaborate. A couple guys try to hold up the bar frequented by the cops. By "frequented", I mean, "pretty much owned". Keep in mind, a sick-ass bassline is playing through the whole movie, and this scene, a la Seinfeld.
UPDATE: Knockdown NJ just remember the best part of this scene. Dennis Farina to C-Nor: "Let me introduce you to a couple friends. She's an dental hygienest - very oral. But she's a proctologist - don't turn your back on her."

- C-Nor tells a bar patron, "If I want your opinion, I'll beat it outta ya." I've used a version of that saying at least three dozen times without properly attributing it to Chuck, so let it be known that I owe him. Then he nearly took out 30 baddies at said bar... nearly.

- After throwing some asshole bodyguard off a yacht, C-Nor really gives it to one of the mob bosses. Chuck's looking for the boss' nephew and says, "I'm gonna nail his ASS." Emphasis included - he didn't stress "his". He stressed "ass". HAHA DICK JOKE.

G'night all.


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Agressive Sunday, C-Nor Style, Pt. 1: "Lone Wolf McQuade"

Knockdown NJ and I are partaking in a little agressive Sunday action. If you haven't heard of it, Hulu.com is a great site for TV shows and movies, and it's legit. You gotta put up with the occasional 30 second commercial, but it beats actual TV and the quality is good. Nothing but free shitty C-Nor (Chuck Norris) movies and Keystone Light for us today. A rundown of Lone Wolf McQuade after the jump.

This isn't even a fucking movie. We'de give you a brief synopsis, but we're not even sure what we just watched. "Chenga tu madre!" Entertaining as hell, though. Guess what? C-Nor was a fucking Texas Ranger! Some highlights:

- Old timer Dakota (retired Ranger) referring to the hot broad on a horse: "How'd you like to take a bite out of that, develop lockjaw, and get dragged to death?" Still not quite sure if he was talking about the woman, the horse, or some kind of sick combination.

- FBI agent Jackson to McQuade: "I ain't no token nigga." Gotta love the 1970s 1980s. Jesus fucking Christ, this movie is from the 80s. Jackson's other good quote: "[McQuade] knows this country better than you know the warts on your wife's backside." Gotta love the 80s.

- McQuade's daughter was punched in the face, shot in the leg, kidnapped, and pushed off a cliff while in a car (insert sexist joke here).

- A wierd sexual tension existed between McQuade, the hot broad that road the horse, McQuade's baby momma, and McQuade's baby. Yep.

- David Carradine was the bad guy/European martial arts champion. And we're not even the ones applying those tags to him.

- There was a midget in a wheelchair, one of those semi-bad guys. Apparently he was rich and loved games, as evidenced by his pinball machine-filled office at the horse track and this quote by C-Nor regarding arms dealership: "This may be a game to you, Falcon, (pronounced fal-cone) but if I catch you playing, I'll have your little ass." He also called Falcon "shorty" at one point.

- SAT recap for you... spinach:Popeye::Pearl Beer:__________





















































Answer: Lone Wolf McQuade and every other American badass.

- Not since Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker have we seen such an unlikely cop partnership as Chuck Norris and Robert Beltran.

- Remember the Adam Sandler movie "Spanglish"? This was kinda like that, but not at all. Nonetheless, there was plenty of shitty, broken Spanish involving rude comments about mothers.

We'll be back in a couple hours with a recap of Code of Silence. Here's the Hulu tagline:

Chuck Norris plays Det. Eddie Cusack, a tough Chicago cop who battles two opposing mob gangs in this fast-paced police actioner, complete with dazzling martial arts action and incredible stunts!

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Catching Up

Well, we had a bit of a hiatus there. Of course, by "hiatus", I mean we were busy working, drinking, and being lazy. That's right - busy being lazy. Follow the jump for some thoughts on CC, The Wire, food thieves, and vinyl albums. Or you could just masturbate to that picture of Ana Ivanovic, you pervert.


Goodbye, CC
Eight years was a pretty damn good run. Apparently my prediction that the Tribe wouldn't fall too far back was retarded. The trade was something they had to do. Hopefully Matt LaPorta doesn't jump in the porta-potty a la Andy Marte. (See what I did there?)

The Wire is fucking awesome
I just finished Season 3, that's all.

Food thieves are assholes
Whoever stole my Colby Jack cheese is gonna be in for a rude awakening next time.

Vinyl records receive a QDMA
I took my dad's USB-connected record player (My gift to him for his birthday one year; poor idea) and hit up the record store down the street. Used vinyl can be pretty cheap, which is awesome. Granted, rare vinyl is at least as expensive as new stuff, but I definitely found some gems, like Springsteen Live 1975-85 and James Gang Live. Bass and drums sound so much better on vinyl, and I can digitize these albums with this turntable. So hey, there's that!

I guess I'm going out tonight despite work looming in the morning. More posts coming next week, including a new weekly segment.

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